Christmas Humor: Proper Chimney Etiquette

For those of us who have fireplaces and chimneys in our homes, we are left with an interesting conundrum every holiday season. What is proper chimney etiquette for when Santa comes climbing down? The last thing we want to do is make Old Saint Nick angry by leaving a few hot coals overnight and lighting Santa’s pants on fire. He’s no liar, after all.

Here is the proper chimney etiquette for when Saint Nick comes calling on Christmas Eve:

Needless to say, no fires. It might be nice to sit next to the fire and cuddle with the kids over hot cocoa with those little marshmallows. Unfortunately, it’s not so good for the jolly fat man. Santa Claus likes the natural fibers like cotton and reindeer fur and hasn’t quite gotten the concept fire-retardant clothing. If Santa comes down a chimney that is fully engulfed in fireplace flam age, then he’s going to go up like tinder, and you will have officially ruined Christmas for millions by roasting Santa Claus. Hopefully, he’ll notice the smoke and not even try.

Keep the chimney open. With no fire, it’s tempting to close the flue to keep the cold air out. Santa’s a big guy, and no amount of Christmas magic short of Weight Watchers is going to make it easy for him to slip down that chimney in the first place. But if you close the flue, then Santa’s going to come to a complete stop, and then what? It’s embarrassing, but the reindeer will have to throw down a rope and pull him out. Santa won’t hear the end of it for years, especially from that jerk Prancer. Pretty soon, the whole North Pole will be brimming with the gossip that Santa had to be pulled out of a chimney.

Keep the chimney free of rodents and other animals. If you don’t use your chimney regularly, then animals such as mice, bats and raccoons can make their homes in it, and that could spell disaster for Santa. Imagine this scenario: Santa goes down the chimney and meets a family of raccoons, and being the jolly man that he is, he smiles and tries to pet the little baby raccoon. (He’s Santa! It’s what he does.) Next thing you know, Santa Claus is screaming in pain because raccoons are trying to scratch his eyes out. One bite and Santa’s got hepatitis, and imagine trying to explain that one to Mrs. Claus.

Keep the little things in mind this Christmas to make it safe, not only for you and your loved ones, but also for Kris Kringle.

Image Source: flickr.com/photos/caveman_92223/4212560970

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