When children are upset, they can react in many different ways. Some get quiet or pout, while others can get angry or even destructive. It can be frustrating for both you and your child when you’re trying to figure out what’s going on or why she (or he) is doing what she’s doing. You’re caught in a reactive situation, trying to stop her from ripping books or isolating herself in her room, while she’s trying to communicate her feelings through her actions rather than words.
Helping your child when she becomes upset takes patience and understanding in every situation, and trust me, I know it can be hard. I’ve been there, just like every other mom. The payoff to finding your patience is that you can get to the root of the problem faster, find a solution and workout a plan for the next time she gets upset so she can better express herself.
The first thing you have to do is get calm. Having your head on straight keeps the situation from escalating and helps you to understand and resolve the problem quicker. If your child is upset and isn’t in any danger of hurting herself or someone else (like throwing things), stay where you can see her, but step back and collect yourself. Take some deep breaths and clear your head; if you walk right into the situation without the right mindset, you’re more likely to get upset, too. If she is doing something that can be dangerous, remove any other children from the room and try to calm her down. If this is a regular problem, it’s important to speak to your pediatrician who can give you counsel and refer you to resources that can help.
Once you’re calm, get down on her level. Standing up when she’s sitting on the floor is intimidating and makes talking and connecting much harder. Also, be conscious of your body language. If your hands are on your hips or your arms are crossed, it’s sending the message that you’re speaking as an authority and not listening to what she has to say. Keep your arms loose or set in your lap and make eye contact.
When you speak, use a warm, even tone — even if she’s yelling. Listen to what she’s saying and wait until there is a quiet lull to speak. Trying to talk over her won’t be effective and can actually make matters worse. If you wait for her to take a breath, she’ll hear what you’re saying.
It’s important to ask questions, even if you think you know why she’s upset. Ask her what she’s feeling and why. You might be surprised to find out that she wasn’t really mad that you turned the TV off, but that she’s lonely since her brother is at school all day. Talk things out and when she answers your questions, repeat what she tells you back to her so she knows you’re getting her message. “So what you’re saying is…”
Once you’ve found out what’s really on her mind, you can set about a solution and talk about better ways of expressing herself when she’s upset again. Make a plan together so you both know what to expect, and if she doesn’t follow through the next time, you can refer back to the conversation and the plan you made together.
Children all have times when they feel upset but don’t know how to say what’s on their minds. It’s not a problem that just disappears after your little one learns to talk. Effective communication is something we continue to learn even into adulthood. If your child gets upset and doesn’t know how to tell you, take a minute to compose yourself and approach the conversation with love, patience and understanding. You’ll resolve the problem and get closer, too.
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