Angry Children: When Your Kid Says, “I Hate You”

Today, my son uttered those magic words that every parent dreads, “I hate you.” He was angry, because I turned off the TV for lunchtime. I’m evil like that. I can laugh now, but when he said it, you could have knocked me over with a feather.

Kids have a way of saying things that tug at a parent’s heartstrings. Verbal sucker punches can knock a girl to her knees. They know they’re pushing extremely sensitive buttons. Is it on purpose? Yes. Do they mean it? No. They soon forget what they’ve said and move on, but we often carry it with us forever.

Children know phrases like that are “hurting” words and upset us. Are they the revelations of some deep-seeded secrets that couldn’t be held in any longer? Absolutely not. Kids know the words are mean, but don’t fully understand that they’re “wounding” words.

You have to train yourself to let it roll of your back and look for the deeper message, “I’m angry (sad, frustrated), because…” Sometimes, for children and adults alike, it’s easier to throw a spoken dagger than express why you’re sad, angry or disappointed. That opens a person up to vulnerability. Mean words seem stronger.

So, what do you do when you’re the target?

1. Detach: Take a deep breath and know he doesn’t truly feel what he’s saying. We all feel like saying things we don’t mean when we’re upset, because it makes us feel better for a moment. It really isn’t a personal reflection of his feelings for you.

2. Relax: While you may feel like shouting something back, keep your voice calm and even. By saying something equally hurtful, you’re fueling the fire. Instead, help him express what he really means. “I can tell you‘re mad (sad, frustrated). I know you like watching your shows, and you don’t want to stop watching them right now.” Echoing his feelings and frustrations with words is shows him a better way to express himself more clearly.

3. Wait: Give him a chance to respond. If he nods or says, “Yeah,” then say something like, “That is pretty frustrating.” You’re validating his feelings without patronizing him. This gives him some control in the situation and lets him know that you understand where he’s coming from. Give him a little while to calm down completely.

4. Plan: After he’s back in control and you’ve had a chance to make-up with a hug, talk to him about better ways of sharing his feelings. What can be done differently the next time? Negotiate how you both can handle a similar situation in the future. I told my son that I’d give him a 10 minute warning before lunch was ready so he’d be prepared. If he’s watching TV, I’ll let him turn it off himself. In return, he’ll tell me how he’s feeling instead of yelling “mean things.”

5. Regroup: Once the whole situation is over, take a minute for yourself. You need to shake off any negativity, so you can move on with your day. You did a good job.

6. Demonstrate: Make a conscious effort to express yourself through more meaningful words. Your child will pick up on your lingo and start following your example. Honest expression relieves stress, too, so it’s a double win.

For more tips, check out Baby Center.